My thoughts exactly...

     It was Thursday night, my sister had a weird seizure attack. We were both lying in our respective beds and trying to sleep. She turned around to face the wall, she they fell asleep.

     I was almost asleep when she suddenly tried to stand up from the bed. I asked her where she's going, she said nothing. Then she sat on her bed and was saying something that has 'versus thoughts' then when I asked her where, she was pointing to the direction near my mother's bed and the door. She was then saying 'the aliens are there.' This shocked me the most. She lay down in bed then fell asleep.

      I didn't close the lights that night, was awake until midnight. Then eventually fell asleep but I was feeling weary. Then around 1:30am, that was already a Friday, I heard voices whispering. 2 male voices, they were talking about me and the shirt I wore that night. It was so soft that it was impossible that it came from the outside. It was inside of our room!

     The following day, when my mom got home, I asked her if she heard the people whispering inside...

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     Last weekend, my older brother Koji, already bought his ticket going to Singapore. He'll be leaving the country on the 18th of December and would be back on the 5th of January next year.

     What would this leave me with? More responsibility...

      I am not compalining that I'll be left with a lot of responsibility. I have been responsible since I don't know when. It seems like I would be really taking over the position of the 2nd in command at home next to my mom. It's okay, there has been time that it has been like that, but what am I fearing? I fear that when my older brother is gone, my younger brother would act more brotherly. He might take away the fact that I am older than him and he should back down. I think he has this superiority complex.

      A few days back, a college friend of mine invited me if I wanted to work in Russia just for a year. I told her that I can't. Just last night, it really dawned into me that I can't. I was about to wash the dishes while I was heating our...

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     I went back to Bacolod last Friday night with my younger brother Miguel. When we boarded the plane, no one was seated beside him. I told him that papa is beside him and should tell him to buckle up since we are about to take off. The flight was smooth sailing and everything went well.

     When we arrived at the Silay airport, I saw my mom, my younger sister and my niece. They were all waiting for our arrival. We then went to eat at the Chicken House where the rest of the pack were waiting for us. It was like our family waiting for us. After eating, we went straight to papa at Burgos. I saw my relatives and even saw one of our household helpers there, she remembered me. I was actually hoping to see Ate Raquel, but its the next best thing.

     I wasn't able to sleep that night. I tried to sleep but it was almost 1am. My mom and I had a talk about the things that transpired. All the whatchamacallits and the who's. I woke up a little before 5 am, never had the chance to go back to sleep again....

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Dear Papa,

      I am sorry that I did not arrive as soon as I can. I know I wrote you a letter a few days back before I went to Bacolod to let you know the things I have in mind.

      I was wrong to say that I knew who you'd like to see. When I got there, they were all telling me that I was your 'pangga'. Mama said that it wasn't a mistake that I would have gone there first. I was destined to be back there after a long time. They told me everything that happened to you. All I can say it that, because you were full of pride, it took your life away.

     Pa, I'm not telling you this because I'm mad, that's nothing to me, it's how life is, that's you. They never wanted to tell me when I arrived in Bacolod that you were dead. We walked down memory lane with Manong Che and Mama Mi. When I arrived in Burgos, I saw your brothers, Papa An and Tatay Nilo, along with a few of my cousins and other relatives. Mama Elis was also there. Papa An always regard her...

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     "I shot an arrow into the air, It fell to earth, I knew not where; For so swiftly it flew, the sight Could not follow it in its flight. I breathed a song into the air, It fell to earth, I knew not where; For, who has sight so keen and strong That it can follow the flight of song? Long, long afterward, in an oak I found the arrow, still unbroken; And the song, from beginning to end, I found again in the heart of a friend."

       A poem by Sir Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, a poem that he liked. I learned about this when I was in high school. I started to create and collect my own poem, I guess I was obsessed with the thought of it.

     It starts with "I shot an arrow into the air, it fell on earth I knew not where..." The archer and the bow would signify my parents. My father, being masculine is the archer, while my mom, soft ang gentle yet tough is the bow. We, the children are the arrow that came into the world signified by the air. It tells us that when our parents conceived...

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Last Friday, I went back home to Bacolod. I didn't know what to expect. I had a crazy feeling about that day. When I arrived the airport, one of my uncles, my dad's cousin, was waiting for me along with my aunt Salome. We did the walking down the memory lane during that time. I never thought that she was buying time to break it to me about the sad news.

When we arrived the house in Burgos, I was a bit excited and took my sister's painting. No one said a word. I did my usual greeting to the family. Said my hellos and hugs. They gave me a beer and started drinking. Then, my uncle who's a lawyer called me and asked me the big question: "Would you like to have your father's body creamated?" That's the time that I started crying. My aunt said that I didn't know about it. I knew that something wrong happened. I knew it already but I guess I was denying the fact. My aunt took me out first and away from all of them.

When I got back, another bottle of beer was given to me. I started drinking and smoking....

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Dear Papa,

      It has been a long time since we lat saw each other, since we last talked. I don't know if I am a part of your suffering since I brushed off the thought that you tried to communcate with me last year. I was in shock and was at work. I didn't intend to.

     Pa, I know you made a lot of promises ever since I was young. I never forgot the piano that you promised you'd buy me.

     Since I was young, I knew how things were and how they went. I learned that you and Mama often fight at night when we were asleep. I also know that you ask money from Mama, but you never give in return in any which way.

     I am supposed to meet you tomorrow, but you might be long gone before I arrive. I know you have been trying to find peace, ans I hope you did. I wanted you to be there when I get married someday, a promised that I intended to keep. It would have taken 5 more years before it happens, but I know you wouldn't last that long.

      Pa, I...

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     I got a call from my cousin earlier, unfortunately I was not able to answer it. He thought that I didn't like to answer his call. I explained that I was at work and I had my phone in divert mode.

     When I was able to get in touch with him, he told me that my dad might not be able to last the day. Tears fell from my eyes. Why can't he wait until tomorrow? I'll be there. He said that they were manually pumping air into his body. Then my aunt texted me. She said that he's already in a coma. I don't understand anymore.

      I called the airlines, thanks to my TL and one of the teachers here who tried to help me. I was able to call but got cut off. I wanted to have my flight moved ASAP. I don't think my dad's gonne be there tomorrow.

     To add more injury to insult, I just got out of the toilet. Well, we can't please everyone. Someone's pissed at me. I barely talk in the office except to my students and this hidden blog that I have. Man, life's just difficult. Seems...

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     It has been three days since I last spoken or texted my boyfriend. The last message that he sent me that he was happy we could be atleast together before I fly to the province. He would bringing me to the airport that day.

     Sad it may seem, that was the last message and I hadn't heard from him since then. The storm has already passed and still no word. I gave his phone a ring last Monday and I only got a message that "the subscriber cannot be reached, please try your call again later." Where is he? What happened to him?

      He knows how I worry if I don't hear from him. He lives far from where I am and I know how things can get terrible there. I had a lot of thoughts of what could have happened but I'd rather not entertain such thoughts. I think their place might be flooded and he is not able to go to work. I am thinking that something bad might have happened.

     Worst case scenario is that the phone got stolen and everything that he has. I know hard headed he is about sleeping on...

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     Starting this hour, it would be less than 72 hours before I return to Bacolod. I am actually scared to fly back. I don't know what I would see or how I would feel. I think I'll be good if I just fell into a trans while I go back there.

       It has been more than 48 hours and my cousin stopped texting me about my dad's status. I don't know if he's still living or not. I don't know if I would seem to care or not.

       My relatives should know that I am not there to go on vacation, I am there to see how my dad is doing. Scared that he might just throw me out of the door, I decided to stay with my aunt that night.

       What do I need to bring when I go there? I guess a lot of courage and strength. People might not understand why and what I am going through, probably they do, but I don't...I just want to feel numb.

     When I get there, then I'll decide how I would feel. Then I'll know how the visit would turn up to... 

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